This job should be easy. It’ll just take a few minutes. Just need a new 2.5” bolt, a screwdriver and a tape measure.
I think the old nut is 3/8”, but the new bolt seems to be 7/16”. I’ll go to the hardware store to get one. The teenage clerk confronts me with, “All our stock is in Metric. A .5 cm nut should do it, but the closest length to your 2.5” bolt would be 6.0 cm.” I take his word for it.
When I get home, I find that it’s too short, so I return it and get a longer one. The head of the old bolt was a Phillips, the new one is a Robertson. Fortunately, I have a Robertson screw driver. Damn! The hole in the head is too big. Robertson heads come in at least four sizes.
Oops! The diameter of the hole in the board that the bolt goes into is a wee bit too small, so a tap with a hammer will make it fit. Board splits. Need a new piece of wood. It’s a pity to cut about 6” off a 2” x 4”. The measuring tape is Metric. Let’s see: a 14 cm piece should do it.
Even though I only needed another 6”, I’ll have to buy an 8′ length of 2×4, but since the guy at the hardware has gone Metric, I’ll have to ask for a 243.8 cm board. When I do, he doesn’t have a clue what I want, so I get out my calculator to convert it back to an 8′ board’!
Out comes the new circular saw I got for Christmas. Damn cord is a three-prong. Since it wouldn’t fit into our old house’s two-hole outlet, I hacksawed the third prong off.
Cut the board. Damn! The board’s too long and won’t fit. Make another cut. Still too long, but a couple of blows with the hammer will make it fit.
Finally, the hole’s the right size, the bolt’s sort of the right length and the nut matches. Where’s the nut? Must have fallen into the grass. Brain wave: use the magnet to find the nut! Search to no avail. The nut is brass. Magnets don’t go for brass.
Back to the hardware store. How am I supposed to remember what size? I think it was a .5 cm. I’ll take two, just to be on the safe side.
You guessed it: 5 cm’s far too short. I measured again, to be sure this time.
Hole’s the right diameter, bolt fits, but the board has to be forced into place. The bolt’s sort of the right length. Hmmm, bolt doesn’t like the nut. Found out that one is coarse thread, the other’s a fine thread. I’m not picky.
Some strong arm turning of the mismatched pair forces the nut to seat on the bolt. Unfortunately, brass isn’t as strong as steel. I now have a stripped brass bolt with absolutely not a bit of thread, barely securing the tilted board.
So what! The job’s done! No one will notice the slight imperfections. Besides, look at all the money I saved by doing it myself.
